“We Gotta Go Boots on the Ground to Take Them Out”

Three things I’d like to share with you today:

-Andrew Schulz and the Flagrant crew’s sociopathic ramblings on Trump’s war in Iran, including their argument for Trump to deploy troops and their assertion that it’s preferable to do regime change in Latin America, where people like living, than in the Middle East, where they fight to the death.

-Theo Von’s conversation with a Taiwanese streamer, which you’ll be shocked to learn devolved quickly into some of Von’s trademark racism.

-The latest on how much money comedians are making on the road.

“We gotta go boots on the ground to take them out, to really have regime change.”

On the Flagrant podcast last week, Andrew Schulz and his motley crew of idiots made the case for boots on the ground in Iran:

Schulz: How long is the war going to last? What are the plans for war? What are we going to do? How do we get out of it? 

AlexxMedia: Boots on the ground.

Schulz: Huh?

AlexxMedia: If we put boots on the ground. 

Mark Gagnon: If we put Tims on the ground, what's gonna be—

AlexxMedia: We got to. We got to. We can't win this as a full aerial attack. 

Schulz: We can't? 

AlexxMedia: We can't. 

Schulz: Why not? Why is that? 

AlexxMedia: Because Asia N—a said so. 

Schulz: You're referring to Professor Jiang? Is that your—

AlexxMedia: Yeah. First history teacher I ever liked. 

Schulz: Okay. And then why did he say we can't win from an aerial attack? 

AlexxMedia: There's too many of 'em. And they have all— 

Gagnon: He's describing the plot of Sparta. He thinks this is 300. 

Schulz: Why have we not done this with every issue that happens? [...]

AlexxMedia: Let me enlighten y'all. So it's a religious thing and they are going to fight to the end of time. And they got all the guns and the people don't have any guns.  So we gotta go boots on the ground to take them out, to really have regime change. Because they're gonna keep fighting until one side is wiped out. 

Schulz: Got it. Yep. Now, why would boots on the ground stop that? 

AlexxMedia: That's the only way we can attack—hand-to-hand combat. 

Schulz: Got it. 

AlexxMedia: Because we can't just keep bombing, especially if they hide amongst the civilians. We're not just going to keep bombing everybody. Then we'll look like Israel and lose all support. 

Schulz: Ahhh. Because we can't take out any of the civilians. Obviously.

Obviously. A short while later, Schulz lamented that the Trump administration has done a poor job selling the war to the American public. So, naturally, they brainstormed their own strategies: 

Schulz: Okay. So how does the government propagandize us into a war? Imagine this was before the democratization of information where the government could just tell us what to think and we just kind of believed it. How do they get us into this one? 

Gagnon: The nuke strategy is a classic. I mean, that one's tried and true. 

Schulz: Yeah. 

Gagnon: Everyone loves the nuke strategy. 

Schulz: They have nukes. They have nukes. 

Gagnon: They're about to have nukes. 

Schulz: They're about to have them. 

Gagnon: Any minute now. 

Schulz: Any minute. 

AlexxMedia: But we know we just destroyed it.

Schulz: Yeah, but they're quick at getting it back. 

Gagnon: Bro, they're so fast, these Persians. They built a nuke out of four G-Wagens. They put it together. They built another nuke. 

AlexxMedia: Okay. Yeah. 

Schulz: So we had to—

AlexxMedia: So they're trying that. I don't think that's working. 

Schulz: But so the Americans aren't really concerned about the Iranian nuke threat. So how else? Why else do we need to go in there? 

Gagnon: Radical Islam. 

Schulz: Radical Islam. 

Gagnon: They're running around. They're trying to shoot—they hate us. 

Schulz: How about this one? 

AlexxMedia: Oh, yes. Iran has the largest population of Shia. That makes a huge difference. 

Schulz: That is true. That is true.

AlexxMedia: Keep going. I'm just trying to drop knowledge on y'all n---as.

Schulz: No, you were. You were dropping knowledge. It's very good. All right. We have to sell the American public on this war. Okay. So what is our sale? What is our pitch? How do we get unanimous American support? 

AlexxMedia: Just bend over for Bibi like Trump is doing. 

Schulz: Right, right, right, right. But that's not working on America. 

AlexxMedia: I mean, gays will love it. 

Schulz: That's what's happening. I don't even know if gays support that. They're like, there's way  better dick out there. Yeah, we're trying to propagandize. We're not saying what's actually happening. We're trying to say, how do you sell the war? How about this, okay? What if they go, "Hey, American people, the only white Super Bowl halftime show just happens to be in Iran. We need to liberate it." Do you think the American people all of a sudden are like, "Whoa. We've been wanting this for the last seven years. We gotta go get it.

Gagnon: Yes. They got Luke Bryan over there. We gotta get him back.

Schulz: Luke Bryan is captured. He's in a bunker where they're also making nukes, but that's not the big deal. He's there making the greatest music he's ever made and he will not be released until the Iranian people are free. 

Gagnon: Yes. That might work. 

Later, Schulz lamented that he doesn’t see any obvious transactional benefit to war in Iran, in contrast to Trump’s interventions in Venezuela or (the one proposed in) Greenland:

Schulz: This is the thing I don't understand with the Iran stuff for us is like, the Venezuela and Greenland shit was at least transactional with a resource. We don't know what a fucking rare earth is, but at least you could be like, "Hey, we need that for our phones." And then we'd be like, "I guess we need it for our phones. It seems like there's something important up there." 

Gagnon: Rare earth is such a funny—what even is that?

Schulz: What is it? I asked a girl at the show, I was like, "Do you know what a rare earth is? " And she's like, "A rare earth mineral?" I go, "Don't just add a fucking another word." And then we're all just as confused. 

AlexxMedia: We're all guessing. It makes the batteries and it makes the chips. And that's what everybody cares about, right? 

Schulz: And we don't know what a chip is. I don't know what Nvidia is. None of us know what Nvidia is. It's the most important company in the world. I don't know. Is it in my phone? All they do is they say it's in your phone and you go, "I need that motherfucker. Don't take it. Take Greenland. Save Taiwan." I just can't fathom, we can't move the—whatever. The thing that I don't understand about Iran is what do we get? Let's say we liberate the people, which is an incredibly benevolent act to free the people from a horrible regime. That's great. I don't see America or any country for that matter having this benevolent history where we're just out there trying to liberate people, right? 

AlexxMedia: Yes. 

Gagnon: No, come on. We do it. Afghanistan. Iraq.

Schulz: You're right. We spent what—

Gagnon: Honduras, Guatemala—

Schulz: —$20 trillion on Iraq to liberate them from the Taliban just to give them back to the Taliban? [Ed. note: he seems to be confusing Iraq with Afghanistan.]

Gagnon: Exactly. 

[...]

Schulz: So I guess what I'm telling, it's like they haven't even told us what the thing is in the air. Do we go in and now we have a deal with Iran and we get half of the oil? Do we get to control where the oil goes? They haven't even disclosed what the benefit is to us at all in this situation. 

Gagnon: I wonder if they just said it outright, if people would be like [grumbles affirmatively]. They kind of have, but if Trump was just straight up like, "We need the oil. We want to control the oil. We need to control the petrodollar. We don't want China to get it. We're getting rid of these people and we're going to control the Strait of Hormuz." And it's like—

Schulz: Honestly, I think it would be more support than it is now. I don't think it would be unanimous US support, but it would be more support than this existential nuclear threat, which I just don't think works on Americans anymore. 

AlexxMedia: I just don't get why more people aren't fucking outraged. Mr. "No More Wars," man.

Schulz: No, we are. Everyone is. This is the thing about Americans. The kind of wild things about Americans is there'll be countries that go "Death to America." Like Iran is like, "We're death to America," and they're actively trying to make a nuclear weapon. And Americans are still like, "Man, you don't hate us like that. You don't really hate us, bro. You don't really hate." I don't even think they hate us like that. The dude is like, "We're death to America." I'm like, "You don't feel that way, bro." 

Gagnon: It's how most dudes feel about lesbians. You know what I mean? They're like, "I hate men." You're like, "Come on. You ever met me?"

Finally, the group concluded that the war is a bad idea because Middle Eastern countries fight to the finish, unlike Latin American countries, where people enjoy life and like to party:

Gagnon: Who takes over for Maduro? It's not the oppositional person that technically won the election. I forget her name. It was Maduro.  The person that took over was Maduro's VP. Darcy Rodriguez. 

Schulz: Darcy Rodriguez. [Ed. note: Delcy Rodriguez.]

Gagnon: Yeah. And so she's within the administration. She technically has the line of secession [sic] for Maduro. And so she's legitimate to the people of Venezuela. 

Schulz: And she's willing to be amiable to—

AlexxMedia: Yeah. But that's a little different because it's like, they're just like, "Hey, let me just do what's best for me and the people." Instead of you have this regime who doesn't really care about the people and it's just like, "Yo, this is a war of ideology and we're just going to fight it until we all die.

Schulz: To the end. Which is the problem with going a war in the Middle East, is that they're just willing to take it to the end. Other places—

AlexxMedia: Some of them are like, "Let's not do this." 

Schulz: Because they don't have reggaeton. They don't have Carnival. They don't have fun. Latin American countries enjoy life. They're like, "I want to party. I want to shake ass. I want to put a headdress on and I want to rock in the streets and I want to make out with people. I enjoy this." Right? 

You see us us go in there [...] No, think about it. Think about it. It's like all the people that come here from the Latin countries are dreaming of the day when the Latin countries go back to prominence so they can go back there and party and be with their family and joy. The Cubans aren't going, "I'm done with Cuba." They're like, "I can't wait till Cuba is back." They have this love and connectivity. Where I think there's a lot of people that leave their countries in these places and they're like, "I'm good to not be there because that shit fucking sucked."

I am once again reminding you that the New York Times called this guy “America’s Foremost Political Journalist.” 

“Look at This Little Chip Chop.”

Last week Theo Von hosted the Taiwanese streamer Chen-Ruei "Ray" Hsu, who goes by “Rayasianboy” online and asked Von simply to call him Ray. Very early in the conversation, Ray cut straight to the good stuff: 

Ray: Quick question. Are you from Nashville? 

Von: I'm from Louisiana. 

Ray: Oh, so you're racist?  

Von: Am I racist?

Ray: Uh-huh.

Von: I wouldn't say that.

Ray: Okay, okay.

Von: I mean. Yeah, I wouldn't say—I would say I don't mind a little racism. 

Ray: Me too. We're the same.

Von: Beautiful. I'm glad we finally get to meet up, brother. 

Ray: Quick question. Now you've been saying the N word? 

Von: No, no, no, no. I mean, I've thought it pretty loud a couple times, but I don't say it. 

Ray: We don't gotta lie. We don't gotta lie right now. You definitely say it before right?

Von: I don't think I've said—I don't remember. I'll tell you this. I've never—maybe if I was at the dentist's office when they give you that stuff. 

Ray: What stuff? 

Von: You know at the dentist office when they give you for your molars or whatever? Novocaine. 

Ray: Novocaine. 

Von: Yeah. 

Ray: Okay. 

Von: And sometimes you say stuff or whatever. But no, I don't say it, man. There was a time I— 

Ray: You want to say it, but you just control it. 

Von: I don't think it's worth saying. 

As in one of his previous conversations with an Asian guest, Von quickly got weird about it. (Not that Ray wasn’t also weird about it, but he’s not the 45-year-old adult man here; my reading is also that he was deliberately trying to provoke Von, who is chronically unable to distinguish serious from unserious speech.) Here’s what happened when Ray offered to let Von call him “ching chong”:

Ray: Uncle, I will let you call me a "ching chong." I'll give it a pass. 

Von: Really? 

Ray: Yeah. Just call me one time. It's okay. I know you want to do it.

Von: I don't want to do it. 

Ray: It's okay. I'm cool. Feel me? I'm gonna give you the pass. You can say it. "Ching chong."

Von: I would not say—I would think of something better than that.

Ray: All right. Let me see. 

Von: I would think like "chop chop." "Look at this little chip chop."  

Ray: "Chop chop." "Chip chop?"

Von: "Abraham Chinkin." 

Ray: I like that. I like that. 

Von: “Chip chop.”

Ray: “Chip chop.” Okay. “Chip chop.” 

Von: Because it's more—

Ray: It's more like—

Von: I don't like "ching chong" that much. 

Ray: Why? 

Von: I would maybe call you like, "slot machine boy" or something like that. Something that Asian people like to do. "Look at this little kind of—"

Ray: Slot machine. 

Von: "Look at this little slot machine," yeah. 

Ray: What do you mean by that? Like, we—

Von: No, I'm just thinking out loud. This is a horrible conversation to be in. Dude, you know what I realized with you? You like to really examine racism and stand—usually racism, it's just like somebody—you run through—like, racism is just like you take a step in and you're out. But you like to go stand in the racism. 

Ray: You know what? I love everybody. I love every culture. I respect every culture. Feel me? I feel like it's a—

Von: I do feel that energy from you. Well, that's the thing I noticed about you is you bring a lot of people together, man. All types of people like you. I could feel that.

Ray: I hope so. I'm trying my best. 

Von: I feel that energy. 

Ray: Yeah. 

Von: When it comes to Asian folks, how do you rank them? Bring up a couple of Asians. Bring up a batch of Asian. Bring us up a batch.

You might be thinking to yourself, “Hey, wasn’t there another time Theo made some weird joke about how Asian people love to gamble?” You’re absolutely right—it was during a viewer call-in episode last year, when he advised a fan that it’s fine to be “astounded by the amount of Asians” the fan saw at a casino. “Asians, they like the risk, they like the smoke, they like the smoke and they like the risk,” he said. “Asians love that shit, bro. Hey bro, put four Asians in a box, what do you got? People that gamble. Praise God, baby.”

Moving on: here’s the bit where Von pulled up some images of dogs and asked Ray which one he’d like to eat:

Von: Bring back up them dogs real quick. Let's pick one out if you had to have a snack or something. 

Ray: A snack? Which dog I want to feed? 

Von: No, which dog would you have? Yeah, say you had to. I know your culture doesn't do it, but if you had to, and I know who does do it, Chinese and Vietnamese. 

Ray: Eat it? 

Von: If you had to eat one dog. 

Ray: I wouldn't eat any one though 

Von: You said something cute. You say we'd eat something cute. 

Ray: I feel bad, man. 

Von: I feel bad too, bro. You think I want this shit to happen?

Ray: That's what I'm saying. They're still a spirit. They're still an animal. I don't want to eat them, bro. I feel bad.

Von: I don't want you to, bro, but I'm saying, say you're in a—

Ray: [Looking at Google Image search results for "fat dogs."] What the fuck? 

Von: Oh, eat that little chubby one on the left, bro. Bring that bitch up on the left, the top left, bro. 

Ray: What you mean, bro? 

Von: Somebody eat that bitch, bro. 

Ray: You want me to eat that, bro? That's a cute dog, bro. 

Von: Bro, somebody— 

Ray: It's just fat. 

Von: I'm just saying, bro. He thick. Bring that second one up, then. He ain't even walking no more, bro. 

Ray: No, bro. He got a little—I'm not eating no dog, bro. 

Von: Bro, I'm just saying if you had to, I'm not saying you need to. 

Ray: If you had to, I'm gonna just die, man. I'd rather kill myself than eating a dog, bro. 

Von: Nah, bro, don't be like that, bro. A dog would give up his life for you, bro. 

Ray: I would give a life for a dog, bro. 

Von: Dude, that'd be a beautiful movie then. It's you and a dog. Both y'all are starving, just laying there next to each other.

Ha! Ha! Really funny.

How Much Does It Pay to Be Andrew Dismukes and Jane Wickline?

Last time we checked in on my ongoing FOIA research into how much money comedians are making on the road these days, it was to discuss Marcello Hernandez’s impressive $150,000 fee to perform at the University of Maryland’s homecoming show last year—the same number Colin Jost made there in 2022. 

After I sent out that newsletter, a reader asked if I could find out how much UMD paid John Mulaney for a 2024 show. UMD finally got back to me last week: a solid $250,000. Not bad!

In other current SNL cast member news, however, I reached out to the University of South Florida for information about Andrew Dismukes’ and Jane Wickline’s show there last month. As they let me know this morning, Dismukes—who joined SNL as a writer in 2017, a featured player in 2020, and a repertory player in 2022, the same year Hernandez was hired as a featured player—commanded a fee of $30,000. Wickline, a featured player since 2024, earned $10,000. Not bad, but looks like they’ll need a few more viral characters before they start earning the Hernandez bucks.

Well, that’s all for today. Thanks as always for reading and stay safe out there.