Theo Von Hosts Asian Comedian, Gets Really Racist

“What’s the most vain Asian, do you think?” That’s the very first question Theo Von asked his guest yesterday, Malaysian comedian Nigel Ng. From there he went on to say people are fascinated by Asians (which people? Oh, you know…), struggled to pronounce Ng’s first name and compared it to the N-word, asked which Asians “have the most squint,” and speculated that the answer might be Japanese people, because of the atomic blasts in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. One gets the sincere impression from his conversation that this may be the first time Von has ever spoken with an Asian person. See for yourself:

Von: What's the most vain Asian, do you think? Because Asians, you don't think of, because people think about Asians a lot, right?

Ng: Yeah. Do they? Do they think about Asians a lot?

Von: Oh, yeah.

Ng: Yeah. Okay. Why? Why would you think about this a lot?

Von: Because I think it's fascinating.

Ng: Okay. Right.

Von: Because some people can't believe it. They see it, they—you show a baby an Asian or whatever, I think they'd be surprised, kind of.

Ng: No, they look the same. Smaller eyes, squintier eyes, that's it.

Von: Oh, that's a good point. Some of them, I guess if you have a tall baby, yeah.

Ng: Yeah. We got a little squintier, a little flatter nose. That's it, really. We're all the same, man. Yeah. Some of us can look whiter than you. Some of us can be fairer than white people.

Von: Oh, yeah. That's a good point, huh?

[...]

Ng: Thanks for inviting me on here, Theo.

Von: Dude, it's a pleasure, man. Thank you so much. But no… [Pronouncing it with a hard “G,” then a soft one:] Nigel. Nigel?

Ng: Nigel. Nigel Ng.

Von: Nigel.

Ng: Yes, yes.

Von: And how do you say the last name?

Ng: Ng. Ng.

Von: Ng. Nigel Ng.

Ng: It's southeast Asian, Malaysian last name. That's where I'm from originally.

Von: Okay. Yeah. You're the damn living N-word right there. I can't even—

Ng: I know. It's dangerous, isn't it? It's dangerous.

Von: It is. Yeah.

Ng: Just a few letters away.

Von: It's risky, brother.

Ng: There's an N-I-G. There's no “A” in there, thankfully.

[…]

Von: What Asian have the most—a lot of Asians squint when they look, right?

Ng: Yeah. Yeah.

Von: Which Asian have the—

Ng: I mean, every race squint when they look, come on. You squint when you look too.

Von: Oh yeah. I look a little Asian, man.

Ng: Yeah, you got a little Asian in you.

Von: Yeah. Yeah. But what Asian have the most squint? Is there one that... What Asian has the one where you just want to put a couple quarters in their face. You know what I'm talking about? Type of shit.

Ng: The squinty eyes, the squintiest, Asians. I don't know. Maybe Mongolians, because—

Von: Bring them up. Bring up a Mongol.

Ng: Yeah, because they have really puffy cheeks and the—

Von: Oh, it's—

Ng: So, it just pushed the cheeks, pushed the eyelids up, maybe.

Von: Oh, beautiful. I love that. Yeah.

Ng: Squintiest... Let me see what you search. Let me see the Google search.

Von: Yeah. Show the search, man.

Ng: What Asians have the squintiest eyes.

Von: I mean, that's going to get us in trouble, dude.

Ng: Oh, man. I would love to be on this brainstorming session when you guys had me on yesterday.

Von: Brainstorming session.

Ng: "Nigel's coming. What can we ask him?"

Von: I don't know. Ask him. We're afraid to say your name out loud, in case this place is bugged by the fucking Memphis PD, dude.

Ng: Yeah. That's another Grok question.

Von: Yeah. Bring it up on Grok as well. See if they can help us. Some people say Japanese people, because the blast was so bright, like they have like a—

Ng: You need permanent sunglasses.

Von: Well, it was a lot for the community. It's all heartbreaking, man. [Reading the AI answer to their search query.] Oh, it's a stereotype tied to East Asian populations.

Ng: It's not a stereotype if it's kind of true, right?

Von: I don't know. Bring up some wide-eyed Asians in, let's see, because this could all be bullshit, man.

Ng: When I film myself on camera, I have to make sure the camera's positioned a certain way if there's an emotion I want to convey, because otherwise when I look down, it is just a slit. So I know I experienced that problem.

Von: Oh, there's some beautiful... Yeah. I think this is a stereotype, man. We might want to get rid of that stereotype. I don't know if that's true.

Ng: I think it's true, man.

Von: What are common plastic surgeries that some Asians get in order to adjust themselves?

Ng: We make our eyes bigger.

Von: Make our eyes bigger?

Ng: Yeah.

Von: Look at the one lady's got one eye big and one eye regular. Look at that. Second row, left. Left.

Ng: Oh, that's makeup.

Von: Nuh-uh.

Ng: And I think contact lenses. Let's see. Let's play it.

Von: That's makeup?

Ng: Yeah. That's crazy. Asian bring catfish to a whole new level, man.

Von: Yeah. Ooh. It's like one of those Rorschach charts.

Ng: No, you search like crazy Chinese makeup and you'll see it on TikTok.

Von: But the beauty of it is how artistic that Asians are.

Ng: But it takes ages. It takes so much time out of your day.

Von: Yeah. “Age-ans,” they call them.

What strikes me about these exchanges, other than the unbelievably naked racism, is the way Ng tries to push back, then pivots to playing along when Von doesn’t take the hint. This is a common dynamic in environments dominated by white people—say, an improv scene where a white player compels a Black player into a racialized role, or pretty much any workplace—but it’s illuminating to see it play out so straightforwardly. As Ng acknowledges at a few points, he’s Von’s guest; the power differential could not be more obvious. (I'm unfamiliar with Ng's work, but I should note too that he has been criticized for his own portrayal of Asian stereotypes.)

So long as we’re here, I’d be remiss to leave out the stretch of this episode where Von and Ng talk about trans people. 

Ng:  I think Thailand's been doing the trans thing for a long time. They've nailed it, I think.

Von: That's growing, too. Men that prefer trans women. Bring that up, how much are people enjoying more trans, sexual...

Ng: But the trans people in Thailand are hot, hot. They put a lot of effort into that process.

Von: Oh, yeah. They're not just these bootleg trans people.

Ng: They have pageants. They have competitions.

Von: Yeah. Here we just have some fucking thick ginger running around with a bra on during the streets of New Orleans during Mardi Gras, and he's yelling and he's into something new or whatever. It's like, you're not. You're just a some St. Patrick's Day bear. These are men right here.

Ng: Yeah, they're all dudes, man.

Von: Well, if you hadn't have told me that I would be empty in an hour, I am just saying. Sometimes people just say wiener is just long pussy.

Ng: I don't think anybody said that. I think it's just you, Theo. A wiener's a long pussy? I think that's just you, man.

Von: I think it's something you hear if you put your—

Ng: If you really dig the internet, dig deep.

Von: Wiener's just a long pussy. Who won, “the pageant was inaugurated in 1998.” Let me get a little bit more of this because this is really fascinating. [Reading Wikipedia:] "Saruda 'Pimai' Panyakham collapsed to the floor and shed tears of joy after she was announced the winner of the 25th, Miss Tiffany Pageant held at the Tiffany Show Theater in Pattaya on Sunday night. Saruda triumphed after failing to catch the judge's eye on four previous appearances as a Miss Tiffany contestant.'"

Ng: Wow.

Von: "Miss Tiffany, a nod to the pageant's original goal of promoting human rights and equality for transgender people in Thailand and around the world." Are transgender people accepted in Thailand?

Ng: Yeah.

Von: They are?

Ng: Yeah.

Von: So it's a big part of their culture.

Ng: It's a big part of the culture. They've dealt with this shit ahead of their time. I think arguments people have over here about the trans issue, I think Thailand probably had that 20 years ago, but now it's just part of society. They don't even think about the pronouns. They just get called like she, her or whatever they want to get called, so it's nice. I think we can learn from that a little bit.

Von: For sure. I think, yeah, these people are beautiful. Wow. That's a young lady, huh?

Ng: Yeah, they look good, man.

Von: Hey. It's like you don't know what you don't—don't come on my back and tell me it's raining. That's that old wives tale.

Ng: I think you gotta tour Thailand next.

Von: Wow. I don't know. I don't want—

Ng: You don't want to risk finding out you enjoy this?

Von: I don't know. You don't want to accidentally bring sand to the freaking wiener beach or whatever. Oh, no, dude, I think this is great, but I think the issue that we have in America, and that's just a joke, but I think the issue that we have in America is that you have men using it mostly for sports, right? It's like if you're going over to play sports and you know you're a biological male, to me, it just feels like you're cheating. We should have a class that's just for trans people and let them compete there and let it be a new thing that we embody and embrace. And that's the thing I would try to start, if I'm trans, like, don't put me in with men or put me in with women if I'm not exactly as them. Let me do something new.

Ng: I think that's why they have the pageants, so they keep them busy with the pageants so they don't do sports.

Von: Oh, that's a good point. Oh yeah. If you're too busy...

Ng: Yeah. These are actual biological women and they don't look nearly as good as the...

Von: That's a good point, huh?

Ng: Yeah.

Von: Maybe we're coming to a unique time in culture where men are tired of being men, so they would rather spend their time looking like women, and women are tired of being women, and they would rather—

Ng: —spend time looking like men. They can do whatever they want, man.

Ha, ha! Funny.

Let’s head over to Austin for a minute, where Tom Segura and Christina Pazsitzky devoted ample time on their podcast today to the latter’s complaints that AMC’s Interview with the Vampire series is too gay: 

Pazsitzky: I started watching Interview with the Vampire on Netflix. And you know me, I love my vampire stuff.

Segura: You love vampire stuff.

Pazsitzky: I gotta say, it's too gay.

Segura: It's gay?

Pazsitzky: I can't handle it. Oh my God, dude. They at one point, they do butt fuck, right? They have vampire sex or whatever.

Segura: They do?

Pazsitzky: Well, they don't butt fuck, but they kind of homo out. At one point, they share a coffin, they're like good night and they share a coffin. I was like, all right, I'm out of here.

Segura: Okay.

Pazsitzky: And then there's the scene where Lestat turns Louis into a vampire, which is awesome in Anne Rice world. And this two dudes naked, they're fucking, and it just shows Lestat's gay ass, like his butt naked and the other vampire naked. And I was like, I don't want to see this.

Segura: Really?

Pazsitzky: Because who's watching this vampire show? It's women. Unless you're into gay dudes.

Segura: But some women love that stuff.

Pazsitzky: Some women do. I don't.

Segura: I've met women that say, they're like, "I love watching gay porn." I'm like, really?

Pazsitzky: I know. I think Anne Rice was into homo gay guys doing stuff. She must have been into this stuff.

Segura: I think the explanation I've heard is that the gay men or the gay porn men are better looking than the straight porn men.

Pazsitzky: For sure.

Segura: So they just go, "I like watching this more." Seems like a lot though.

Pazsitzky: I don't like watching dudes together.

Segura: I guess it's not that—if you look at it the— [Looking at a picture of men kissing:] Oh, Jesus.

Pazsitzky: I know. And it's like my favorite book. I love Interview with the Vampire. I love the series.

Segura: This is a new one.

Pazsitzky: It's like a few years old.

Segura: Oh, okay.

Pazsitzky: It's on Netflix.

Segura: I thought you were... Like the one we grew up with, the Brad Pitt.

Pazsitzky: Right, yeah. So it is based on the same book, Interview with the Vampire and the Anne Rice Chronicle, Vampire Chronicles. But it's like a remake of Interview with the Vampire.

Segura: Got it.

Pazsitzky: And they didn't homo out in the movie version, like Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt.

Segura: Have you seen Sinners yet?

Pazsitzky: Oh no. What is that?

Segura: That's the movie that came out early—

Pazsitzky: Let me see.

Segura: This movie.

Pazsitzky: Is it about vampires?

Segura: Yes. It's so good.

Pazsitzky: Ooh, no. But I'll watch it.

Segura: It's so good.

Pazsitzky: Really? You like a vampire movie?

Segura: This movie was fantastic. Yeah, I saw it on the road. We went and saw it and it was really, really good.

Pazsitzky: Okay.

Segura: Yeah.

Pazsitzky: You went on the road to see a cool vampire movie.

Segura: Well, I didn't know what I was seeing either. I didn't know what the movie was.

Pazsitzky: Who tricked you into watching a gay vampire movie?

Segura: This isn't gay at all. It's not gay. It's really good.

Pazsitzky: Why do they have to gay up my vampires, dude?

Segura: I don't know.

Pazsitzky: I don't want it.

Segura: I don’t know. Jesus. You sound like Enny [Kravitz, their producer]. 
Pazsitzky: Well, I’m so fucking mad. I know. 

Kravitz: I get it, Christina.

Pazsitzky: Right? 

Kravitz: I get it. It’s unnecessary.

Pazsitzky: It’s unnecessary. Exactly.

Kravitz: Why are we focusing on it?

Pazsitzky: Why are we focusing on it?

Segura: All right, okay.

Pazsitzky: And I know they’re homoerotic in the book. But I don’t want to see them.

Segura: Jesus Christ. It’s Pride Month. Could you have a little fucking respect?

(Lest you think Segura’s being serious there, they go on to play—and cackle at—a video of gay men talking about sex.)

Bad, right? Well, it gets worse. Later in the episode the duo promotes, again, professional antisemite Candace Owens’ transphobic conspiracy theory that Brigitte Macron is secretly Emmanuel Macron’s father:

Pazsitzky: I've been waiting on this for a minute, guys. Listen, it's the slap heard around the world—

Segura: And people have to know you have been goddamn obsessed with this.

Pazsitzky: Brigitte Macron, aka Big Daddy Macron. And I read the book that Candace Owens recommended, Becoming Brigitte. I was deep on Candace's podcast talking about this. So the theory goes allegedly that Brigitte Macron, which is Emmanuel Macron's wife, is actually Emmanuel Macron's dad, a trans woman.

Segura: What the fuck?

Pazsitzky: Watch this fucking slap. If you guys haven't seen this—

Segura: If you haven't seen this, it's really—

Pazsitzky: Okay, yeah, watch the slap and then we'll go to that image thing. So here he is Macron—

Segura: That's crazy.

Pazsitzky: —getting off the plane. And you see it's two hands mushing. She gives him a double-handed mush to the—oof, and he's stunned.

Segura: That's the thing, is you see him see the cameras too, right?

Pazsitzky: Of course.

Segura: As the push, he just stands there and he is like, "Uh." And then he did the interview afterwards. He's like, "No, it's all..."

Pazsitzky: He claims that they were play-fighting, that that's how they play with each other. But that was not a playful mush.

Segura: No.

Pazsitzky: That's not like you and I used to play. We'd push each other in the bushes for walks.

Segura: No.

Pazsitzky: This is other level. So look at this. I found this on TikTok where I get all my news. That's Brigitte Macron and that's Emmanuel's dad. Telling you. So this family—

Segura: This is such a crazy story.

Pazsitzky: So apparently these people are from the Rothschild family, which is known as an old school, Illuminati, wealthy French family. They're billionaires and blah, blah, blah. And they've intermarried one another, four generations. You marry your cousin, you marry your brother.

Segura: How the royals do, basically.

Pazsitzky: It's the same inbred shit, and basically just in the last generation, they stopped doing it because now it's frowned upon in society.

[...]

Pazsitzky: He's used to being fucked with like that. Do you know what I'm saying? He's used to being fucked with like that. Because he's not, he's just like, oh yeah, she's doing that again. "Hi everybody." 

Segura: Yeah. He's like, "Are you crazy? The fucking door's open right now."

Pazsitzky: Babe. You might throw me down those stairs if I did that to you. 

Segura: No. Come on. 

Pazsitzky: Yeah you would. 

Segura: Throw you down the stairs?

Pazsitzky: Yeah you would. If I fucking had the disrespect. That is such disrespect to your husband. No way.

Segura: It is disresp—also, to have no self-awareness that the door open and your president of your country is about to go in front of all these cameras. 

Pazsitzky: It's wild. 

Segura: Yeah. He's like, "You fucking—"

Pazsitzky: I mean, I think it's absolutely wild that a woman would lay hands— 

Segura: What is she, 30 years older than him?

Pazsitzky: She's like 70. So that tracks with her being the dad's age. Which is so crazy.

Segura: That it's his dad?

Pazsitzky: That's what they're saying. 

Segura: Come on, man. 

Pazsitzky: That's the rumor. 

Segura: She's 72 and he's 47. 

Pazsitzky: Right, right. And there's a whole thing to how—

Segura: So he and I are essentially the same age. 

Pazsitzky: Yeah. 

Segura: This would be the equivalent of me being with a 71-year-old. 

Pazsitzky: Yeah. It's hot, right? You want to bang a 71-year-old. 

Segura: That's insane. 

Pazsitzky: I know. And they say things about how she walks and her posture and how she sits. She's very—there's shots of her, how she moves, being very masculine. 

Segura: It's insane. 

Pazsitzky: It's insane. I think it's true. I mean, look, I think it's true. I think it's weird and true. 

Segura: It's a sweet note to wrap this episode up on. 

Pazsitzky: Push him down the fucking stairs. But do you notice that he takes that beating? Like it's your dad. Where you're just like, whatever. I deserved it. 

Segura: Yeah. "I guess I was out of line." 

Pazsitzky: "I guess I was a bad boy, mommy. Daddy. Daddy-mommy. Wifey." Fucking weird, bro. 

Segura: Weird. 

And there you have it: the most popular comedians of our day are all Alex Jones now. Nothing to see here.